Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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