Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
