Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
