New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
