No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
