walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
