I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
