i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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