well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Randomize
