If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
