I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
