Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The air was thick with penises
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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