life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
