When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
