I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
