I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
