I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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