I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
