When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
