Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
