i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
