the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
