he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are the jesus of drinking
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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