just survived the first fart of the relationship.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
