now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
