Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
