Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
