im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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