Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
