How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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