Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
