My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
