he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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