i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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