I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
