mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
