I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
