farters have to be the big spoon...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
