On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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