So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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