i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
