I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
