you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
