We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All I want is dick and wine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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