Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
FUCK WHALES
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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