Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
