I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
