i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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