i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
