i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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